THE BRAIN FROM PLANET ANUS
Narrator
Attention all moviegoers! Prepare yourselves for the most chilling cinematic event of your otherwise drab and meaningless lives! From Orville C. Mustaph and Arnold P. Q. Ball – makers of “Teenage Witch Hunt” and “The Beautiful Young Girl With Missile-Shaped Breasts, Who Was In Actuality An Inhuman Carnivorous Monster From Outer-Space Who Liked To Bite Unsuspecting Young Men’s Wieners Off” – comes a film so terrifying, so shocking, so edifying, you’ll wonder if it’s a metaphor for the deepest subconscious fears of our time, a shameless piece of propaganda, or merely an incredibly awful picture! Prepare yourselves for – THE BRAIN FROM PLANET ANUS!
Zeitgeist
I will need more human brains to continue my research! That Nobel Prize will be mine yet, or my name isn’t Doctor Wilhelm R. Zeitgest!
Narrator
Heinz Fetish, in the last of his 207 screen appearances, stars as world-famous neuroscientist and evil genius Doctor Zeitgeist! A man bent on the destruction of everything decent and stupid!
Eddie
Hey Moxie! Stop makin’ so much noise with that lipstick! You want this kook should catch us? You’re gummin’ up the woiks!
Moxie
Gosh Eddie! I’m sorry!
Narrator
And the only man who can stop him is Eddie Pike! Private investigator, star reporter for The Globe, and pure, red-blooded American Xenophobe! See! As the evil Zeitgeist strikes fear into the hearts of ordinary Joes, just like yourselves!
Zeitgeist
Dear Citizens of Earth: Submit to my will now, and give me your BRAINS to further my research! If you do not, you will be forced to reckon with – THE BRAIN FROM PLANET ANUS!
Narrator
See the first-ever full-length feature movie to be filmed in 4-D! Action so surreal you’ll question the grounds of your very existence! See a fifty-foot brain so disgusting, it could only come from PLANET ANUS!
Zeitgeist
All right, you Rice Crispy squares – you don’t want me to improve your brains, fine! You asked for it!
Moxie
(Screams) Golly! It’s The Brain!
Brain
I am The Brain From Planet Anus. Actually, my name is Fred. And I like to go bowling…naked.
Narrator
See the film that is so strange, so bizarre, so utterly moronic, that it drove director Bud March clinically insane!
Doctor
I am a doctor of psychiatry, and I testify that Bud March is certifiably and undeniable psychotic, that he is committed at the sanitarium under my care, and that he claims to originate from a planet he calls Anus!
Narrator
You don’t know what fear is until you’ve seen The Brain From Planet Anus – coming soon to movie theaters everywhere! It’s an experience you won’t want to miss. A horror that will hold you in its malignant grip, and leave you speechless at the climactic and senseless confusion! Bring a date! But tell her to wear diapers to…THE BRAIN FROM PLANET ANUS!!!
Attention all moviegoers! Prepare yourselves for the most chilling cinematic event of your otherwise drab and meaningless lives! From Orville C. Mustaph and Arnold P. Q. Ball – makers of “Teenage Witch Hunt” and “The Beautiful Young Girl With Missile-Shaped Breasts, Who Was In Actuality An Inhuman Carnivorous Monster From Outer-Space Who Liked To Bite Unsuspecting Young Men’s Wieners Off” – comes a film so terrifying, so shocking, so edifying, you’ll wonder if it’s a metaphor for the deepest subconscious fears of our time, a shameless piece of propaganda, or merely an incredibly awful picture! Prepare yourselves for – THE BRAIN FROM PLANET ANUS!
Zeitgeist
I will need more human brains to continue my research! That Nobel Prize will be mine yet, or my name isn’t Doctor Wilhelm R. Zeitgest!
Narrator
Heinz Fetish, in the last of his 207 screen appearances, stars as world-famous neuroscientist and evil genius Doctor Zeitgeist! A man bent on the destruction of everything decent and stupid!
Eddie
Hey Moxie! Stop makin’ so much noise with that lipstick! You want this kook should catch us? You’re gummin’ up the woiks!
Moxie
Gosh Eddie! I’m sorry!
Narrator
And the only man who can stop him is Eddie Pike! Private investigator, star reporter for The Globe, and pure, red-blooded American Xenophobe! See! As the evil Zeitgeist strikes fear into the hearts of ordinary Joes, just like yourselves!
Zeitgeist
Dear Citizens of Earth: Submit to my will now, and give me your BRAINS to further my research! If you do not, you will be forced to reckon with – THE BRAIN FROM PLANET ANUS!
Narrator
See the first-ever full-length feature movie to be filmed in 4-D! Action so surreal you’ll question the grounds of your very existence! See a fifty-foot brain so disgusting, it could only come from PLANET ANUS!
Zeitgeist
All right, you Rice Crispy squares – you don’t want me to improve your brains, fine! You asked for it!
Moxie
(Screams) Golly! It’s The Brain!
Brain
I am The Brain From Planet Anus. Actually, my name is Fred. And I like to go bowling…naked.
Narrator
See the film that is so strange, so bizarre, so utterly moronic, that it drove director Bud March clinically insane!
Doctor
I am a doctor of psychiatry, and I testify that Bud March is certifiably and undeniable psychotic, that he is committed at the sanitarium under my care, and that he claims to originate from a planet he calls Anus!
Narrator
You don’t know what fear is until you’ve seen The Brain From Planet Anus – coming soon to movie theaters everywhere! It’s an experience you won’t want to miss. A horror that will hold you in its malignant grip, and leave you speechless at the climactic and senseless confusion! Bring a date! But tell her to wear diapers to…THE BRAIN FROM PLANET ANUS!!!
